Why not?

Why do I always get guilted into things?
- My mum guilted me into auditioning for concert choir.
- Abbey guilts me into going to her house.
- Mercedes guilts me into hanging out.

Why can't I learn to say no?
I frustrate myself, truly.

I think doing tennis is such a positive thing
in my life. I'm getting exercise while being
with a bunch of awesome girls :)
I really love it, even though my arm is throbbing.

American Idol bugs me. It's so stereotypical.
It's always the same type of people that make
it on there. I don't like similarity. I like
diversity.

I don't know what's going on with you.
You confuse me.

(:

Tennnis! I <3 tennnnnis so much.
It's amazing. I wish I was good.
"There is always room for improvement"
Thank you for the inspirational motivation Mr Miller.
I'll take your words into consideration.

I have a real issue.
Physical contact makes me hyperventilate.
I become spastic. I can't handle it.

But on the contrary, I'M NOT FAILING MATH!
Like is good :)

fgjhft

I'm so happy when I'm not home.
But right when I get home, I'm
miserable.

Wouldn't it be smartest if I just not
come home? I should probably just do
that.

I want to see you.
I have to see you.
I'm going to see you.

I need to get out of my household.
I'd rather run away than be here.
My mother thinks I'm kidding when I
say I'm on the verge of mental
breakdown. She's a fucking bitch.
FUCK her.

Now, because of my mother, he's mad
at me.

FUCK MY LIFE times 10.

Can you feel the love tonight?

I want to watch lion king so badly right now.
and my piano is calling my name.
olivia gunther is amazing :)
I just chugged 4 bottles of water, in result i have to pee.
And steph a rebel.

I'm so pumped for tennis! <3
& learning a new instrument.
Thi is going to be great.

Cough.

Today, I tried something a little different.
Most occasions, I ignore people during the day.
Today, I tried associating. Who knew it would be a success.
I made a new friend. She's in a bad place right now.
She lost basically everything. Friends, boyfriend, family support.
I gave her support, she gave me a reassurance that I needed.
We go through a lot of the same things.
I don't care if she is a "bitch", that's your opinion.
Not mine. I'm already seeing an improvement in myself.
An improvement I could learn to get used too.

Battle of the Bands = <3
I didn't think that a school as lame as West could possibly have
such talented kids. I'm truly impressed.
Amazing <3
Two out of three people in this band go to West.
I love it.

I think Jenna is mad that I still like Dylan.
Whatever.

Yuck.

You know what the hardest part about allowing people into your mind is?
They then have an insight to your world.
But what if you don't want people to be aware of what happens in your life?
A.Do you just refrain from discussing personal matters?
B.Repress emotions?
C.What about conceal important affairs til you explode?
While all of those suggestions seem marvelous, I think I'll choose
D.None of the above.
Only if that was as simple as it sounds.
It would be amazing if I could learn to supress certain obsticles
without my mind becoming over burdened.
Too bad my mind wanders faster than I can keep up with.
A pity, a true pity.

I'm starting to truely annoy myself.
Why can't I be happy without the need to feel needed?
Why can't I learn to keep to myself, keep my thoughts to myself?
I have no patience, i'm getting really snippy with people who don't deserve it.
As well as people who do.
My tolerance level is going down, not a good sign.
Mental breakdowns are starting to become regular, even worse sign.
It's unhealthy the way I think, the way I act.
My habits repulse me, why can't I change?
I ruin everything for myself, why can't I stop?
I never realized I'm a lot more complicated than I give myself credit for.
Anyone want to switch minds with me? Mines out of control.

Is it a bad sign that a good friend of mine is starting to get on my nerves more
than ever?
I used to think the stuff he said was hilarious.
Now? Not so much. Maybe I'm maturing?
Who knows. If I keep this up, I'm going to have no friends in the end.
Sad, very sad.
Whatever, I do better when people don't interact with me.

Chris is BOMB! :D
Whitney wuvsssss him.

YOU NEED TO STOP TEXTING ME.
It's suffocating, I hate it.
Leave me alone. I can't take it.

I think I just need to away.
Far, far away.

Hahahahah,.

And I just went back and looked at my previous posts and realized that I always have some sort of male person in my lifee. I'm so lame to an extensive point. I need to become more steady with things. Now this is starting to bug me..

Actually, me altogether is starting to bug me a lot. I don't understand myself at all anymore. Why I make half of the decisions I do bewilders me. I wish I could rewind all of this, and start myself over again. There is a lot I would change if I had the opportunity.

My habits are terrible. I'm starting to horrify myself.. I think I need help, counseling, anything. These aren't good signs.

... and people tell me I seem like an overall happy person. Sorry kiddos to disappoint you, but that is the farthest from reality.

Maybe overall it is what I need. Change.

School.

This topic is the downfall of my life.
Nothing upsets me more than this place.
West is hell all together. Does anyone
want to trade schools with me.

I HAVE A D IN ALGEBRA! How the fuck did I
manage that?! I surely don't know. Ugh.
Killl me now. I hate this.

How is it that I have my highest grade in what
is supposed to be my hardest class.
English. The highlight of my day <3

Gage Dennis Carter.

How could I manage to mess things up with you again?
I promised myself I wouldn't allow that to happen.
This time is different though.. This time you won't
accept my apology. Can't say I blame you.

I'll always love you bud. I just wish.. you didn't
love me back.

Richard Dylan Anderson.

FIRST:

How ironic is it that I would find you of all people in the world and know immediately that you were him? I remember how obsessed I was with you in 6th grade. HA! Funny stuff. And then telling Sam how you liked me. God. Amazing. Nothing made me happier.

SECOND:

We hit it off right away. There was never a doubt in my mind that we weren't compatible in every way. We had something others don't, something others desire. I was lucky to find it in you.

THIRD:

You were my everything. My sunshine on a cloudy day. The only thing that could cheer me up. Losing you was the one thing that hurt more than anything else that I have exprienced. Every song I hear reminds me of you. Every couple I see makes me want to be with you, and I can't help but to be jealous of all the other girls you have liked after me. I can't help but feel the need to yell in your face "You don't them, you'll always have me."

NOW:

We are.. interesting I guess. I have you back in a sense. But I don't have you to myself I guess. For now, I'm sharing you. I don't like it. She needs to move on from you. You even said I was your first pick. She's my friend, yes. But that doesn't matter to me. There is a reason why I fought for you in the first place. It's plain and simple hun, I love you. And that is never going to change <3

Derek Albert Wyman.

I'm so fucking done. DONE.
You're an asshole. How didn't I
catch onto your games before? I don't
usually put myself out there like that.
And now I know it's not happening
again. I refuse to accept apologies
from you. Wanna call me an immature
bitch? I'll show you one. Tell me to
grow up? That's on your hands dickhead.
I'm not changing for you, and NO I'M
NOT GOING TO WAIT FOR YOU! I don't
fucking care. You're not worth my time,
and obviously you never were.

I'll miss the old Derek, not this one.
This one I couldn't care less about.
I have wasted FAR to mch time on you.
I'm just done.

On the outside looking in.

HAHAHAHHH! I love my life.
As well as Matt Mccue. Oh how
I miss his stupid face :)

So since it's been around 10 days since
last post, I'm going to seperate the important
shiiiiit into a few shorter blogs.

KAY!

My heart is aching.

>WARNING! This is going to be incredibly long.

You don't talk to me anymore, again.
And I can't even bring myself to talk
to you and tell you exactly what I'm
feeling. It will only open the door
for stooping to patheticness again.
I will not stoop to that again.
I let myself be vulnerable, and that..
that I am not proud of. Oh how I wish,
how I wish that you would tell me you
have moved on, you have no feelings for me,
you want nothing to do with me. Then, I
won't be tempted to ruin the barrier
that I just put up to stop me from
getting hurt. I just wish you'd say that.
No, no I don't. Nothing would hurt more
than that. Nothing. I can't win.

And now, I have people telling me daily that
I am changing. I don't really know if that
is a good thing or a bad thing, but I guess
it's happening. And those people won't tell
me how I am changing. It's just simply..
"You are different now, somethings changed
with you."
Okay? Care to clarify? Apparently not.

My Week:

Monday:
No school! Horray! I love snowdays.
Of course I spent half of my day doing
a stupid rough draft and outline for a
english paper due Tuesday. But hey, I
wasn't doing it while I was in Florida.
It was not happening.

I realized that I spent about 22 hours of
my day on the phone with Mercedes.
Pathetic? Yeah, just a tad.
But she is someone who will never judge me.
Ever. I find it so easy to talk to her, and
trust her. I like it a lot.

And so I think you really need to be the man
you claim you are and apologize.

Tuesday:
School. Ugh. Nothing is more frusterating
than getting up wicked early in the AM
to go to the one place I hate more than
anything. It really really sucks at West, really,
I don't think I have ever been so
desperate for my old friend in my whole
life. I really need them back.
At least my essay that I didn't do for
english is actualy due tomorrow :D

Ahh the gym. A place that reeks of men and
sweat. So soothing. It feels so good know-
ing you just like worked off about 99% of
the food you didn't eat today. I want to
start going like.. everyday. I think I am
starting to have an obsession with my body..
an unhealthy one.

I don't think it was the smartest idea to
start talking to you again. Those feelings?
You could say they have almost hit home,
yet again.

Wednesday:
I decided it would be best to stay home and
due homework that I have neglected. My mum?
Furious. Ehh whatever :D

I was going to see you. I was going to tell
you how I really need a straight forward
answer.
What are we now?
What is going to happen?
How come you like PMS more than the average
teenage girl?
Are you still smoking?
I just need to know.
If this is just a game to you, I'm not willing
to play.

Thursday:
Thursday.. what happened Thursday?
I think today was fairly easy.

Drink my beer and smoke my weed.
But my good friends is all I need.
Pass out at 3. Wake up at 10.
Go out to eat, then do it again.
<3

Why do I feel like my stability is going to
crash at any moment?


Friday:
Well. I was supposed to go to the gym.
But in result I came down with a cold.
WHAT THE HELL! No gym = INSANITY!
I find my obsession annoying.

My mum went on a rant about Mercedes in
the car with my grandmother. It bugs me.
And then she has the nerve to tell me not
to tell Mercedes exactly what the said.
Are you kidding me? Really now? No. When
you stop talking shit about a 14 year old
girl, then I will keep my mouth shut.
And I thought you were bigger than that?

So, after bitching my mother out, she allowed
Mercedes to sleep over. I find it really
hypocritical. But I'm not complaining. I missed
her. I was so excited when she said she was
allowed to come. It was like finding a piece
of myself again. A part that was pushed away,
but I have back. I love it <3

Saturday:
Kill me now please?
Today was HILARIOUS!
I need a job, so I called a couple little places
that I figured probably could use help, or would
hire a 15 year old girl. We decided lets go fill
out applications at blakes on the west side and
chez vachon. Of course we had to walk. No biggie
Chez Vachon is right by my house. But Blakes..
Let's say major blisters. MAJOR!
Then my memere called and asked if we wanted any
rides to fill out more applications. So we went to
the blakes on the north end and goldenrod.
Blakes on the north end has one hostess spot available..
I need this job.
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed..
Like, I need it more than Mercedes.
Way more. If she gets it, I'll be pissed.
Whateversss.






I just spent like.. an hour and a half writing this.
HA! I have a life.
And Mercedes is still asleep.. time to wake her up!
:D

Congrats whitney. You are just

Congrats whitney. You are just as weak as you always promised yourself you wouldn't allow yourself to be.

Why is it?

That I fuck absolutely everything?
Yet again, I hurt Gage.
Nothing hurts more to know that I hurt
him over and over again.
I just .. i can't even explain it.
I hate this

And when you grow up, I'll talk.

That's basically my view.
This whole immaturity thing? It isn't working.
I hate freshman for this reason. We all are so
immature. Lame? Very much so.

Florida was bomb! Sleeping in until like 1 am everyday was
fabulous, as well as the little things like no snow & the
weather was abbove 40 degrees. not big, but still.

School tomorrow = FUCK MY LIFE!
I don't want it, I dont't want it, I don't want it!
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
I don't miss people at all, only Gage, Trevor, & Ashley.
Other than them, I'll pass. Everyone else can go away please,
thank you :)

Derek, oh my beloved Derek. What the hell am I going to do with you?
"I want to be with you too. I've made up my mind. I was dumb for ever
ending it. I miss you so much and I just want to be yours again."
Okaay, I can live with that.
"I don't know if I ever told you, but I used to smoke. A lot. (weed)
and I kinda started again with this kid on my hockey team. I did it
friday and last night."
That, I can't live with. I wish it was easier to just be like no it's
fine no big deal, I don't care. But I do care. That's the thing, I care
to much. I need to let go, but the problem is I can't. I just, I just
can't. Why did you have to do it again? You're gonna get into trouble..
again.

I LOVE GAGE DENNIS CARTER! <3
Bestfriend foreverrr.