My heart is aching.

>WARNING! This is going to be incredibly long.

You don't talk to me anymore, again.
And I can't even bring myself to talk
to you and tell you exactly what I'm
feeling. It will only open the door
for stooping to patheticness again.
I will not stoop to that again.
I let myself be vulnerable, and that..
that I am not proud of. Oh how I wish,
how I wish that you would tell me you
have moved on, you have no feelings for me,
you want nothing to do with me. Then, I
won't be tempted to ruin the barrier
that I just put up to stop me from
getting hurt. I just wish you'd say that.
No, no I don't. Nothing would hurt more
than that. Nothing. I can't win.

And now, I have people telling me daily that
I am changing. I don't really know if that
is a good thing or a bad thing, but I guess
it's happening. And those people won't tell
me how I am changing. It's just simply..
"You are different now, somethings changed
with you."
Okay? Care to clarify? Apparently not.

My Week:

Monday:
No school! Horray! I love snowdays.
Of course I spent half of my day doing
a stupid rough draft and outline for a
english paper due Tuesday. But hey, I
wasn't doing it while I was in Florida.
It was not happening.

I realized that I spent about 22 hours of
my day on the phone with Mercedes.
Pathetic? Yeah, just a tad.
But she is someone who will never judge me.
Ever. I find it so easy to talk to her, and
trust her. I like it a lot.

And so I think you really need to be the man
you claim you are and apologize.

Tuesday:
School. Ugh. Nothing is more frusterating
than getting up wicked early in the AM
to go to the one place I hate more than
anything. It really really sucks at West, really,
I don't think I have ever been so
desperate for my old friend in my whole
life. I really need them back.
At least my essay that I didn't do for
english is actualy due tomorrow :D

Ahh the gym. A place that reeks of men and
sweat. So soothing. It feels so good know-
ing you just like worked off about 99% of
the food you didn't eat today. I want to
start going like.. everyday. I think I am
starting to have an obsession with my body..
an unhealthy one.

I don't think it was the smartest idea to
start talking to you again. Those feelings?
You could say they have almost hit home,
yet again.

Wednesday:
I decided it would be best to stay home and
due homework that I have neglected. My mum?
Furious. Ehh whatever :D

I was going to see you. I was going to tell
you how I really need a straight forward
answer.
What are we now?
What is going to happen?
How come you like PMS more than the average
teenage girl?
Are you still smoking?
I just need to know.
If this is just a game to you, I'm not willing
to play.

Thursday:
Thursday.. what happened Thursday?
I think today was fairly easy.

Drink my beer and smoke my weed.
But my good friends is all I need.
Pass out at 3. Wake up at 10.
Go out to eat, then do it again.
<3

Why do I feel like my stability is going to
crash at any moment?


Friday:
Well. I was supposed to go to the gym.
But in result I came down with a cold.
WHAT THE HELL! No gym = INSANITY!
I find my obsession annoying.

My mum went on a rant about Mercedes in
the car with my grandmother. It bugs me.
And then she has the nerve to tell me not
to tell Mercedes exactly what the said.
Are you kidding me? Really now? No. When
you stop talking shit about a 14 year old
girl, then I will keep my mouth shut.
And I thought you were bigger than that?

So, after bitching my mother out, she allowed
Mercedes to sleep over. I find it really
hypocritical. But I'm not complaining. I missed
her. I was so excited when she said she was
allowed to come. It was like finding a piece
of myself again. A part that was pushed away,
but I have back. I love it <3

Saturday:
Kill me now please?
Today was HILARIOUS!
I need a job, so I called a couple little places
that I figured probably could use help, or would
hire a 15 year old girl. We decided lets go fill
out applications at blakes on the west side and
chez vachon. Of course we had to walk. No biggie
Chez Vachon is right by my house. But Blakes..
Let's say major blisters. MAJOR!
Then my memere called and asked if we wanted any
rides to fill out more applications. So we went to
the blakes on the north end and goldenrod.
Blakes on the north end has one hostess spot available..
I need this job.
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed..
Like, I need it more than Mercedes.
Way more. If she gets it, I'll be pissed.
Whateversss.






I just spent like.. an hour and a half writing this.
HA! I have a life.
And Mercedes is still asleep.. time to wake her up!
:D